The Same Old Movie

Someone once said that dating you ex is like watching an old movie all over again: it would always end the same way. Sometimes I feel like that with him, and we’re still not dating. The problem is me. I’m the one always picking up fight. But what makes me feel worse is knowing that fact.

I know I’m not perfect. But he makes me feel like I’m not good enough for him. I’m always doing the wrong thing: he has always have to tolerate me. Whatever I felt like I had to tolerate him is just nonsense. It’s just in my head. He’s perfect. There is nothing he could or would change. He’s tired of me being stupid. Sometimes a girl just wants someone who is willing to adapt and make amends rather than someone perfect.

For me? Well, I’ll never settle for someone less than him. And he’s probably the best I’d ever get. It is possibly the nature of people like him to act the way he did. The very thing that troubles me is the reason why he is the way he is, the reason why I love him. It’s either I tolerate … wait, can’t use that word. It’s either I accept that and stop being stupid or end up alone. I love him, and love is enough for me to live with whatever bothers me about him. The question is, can he tolerate me?

Looks like I am really getting on his nerves. Looks like he’s leaving me again 😦  It would hurt so much if he does. I can’t imagine how I’ll get through it. But I shall not beg him to stay any more. This time what is left for me, if he even stays, would be pity. It would never work out. I’ll never have another, because the scar he’ll leave me will be deep enough to last a life time. And don’t forget that I am sick. I vowed to spend the rest of my life healing myself. Live for me. I have strayed, and instead hurt myself. Never again will I open my heart to wounds. What is done is done. I have loved this person, and forcing myself to stop loving him would be painful as well as impossible. I won’t do it unless I know for sure he has no feelings for me, no matter how hard I convince myself. I might as well just let it be.

But if things don’t work out, let’s just think it’s for the best. I was never meant to be with another. It is still weird I yearn for someone the way I do now. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost the sense of self. The “I don’t give a shit” mentality, and the fun of it. The way I interact with others only as much as I find them tolerable, and fade away as I please. The way I live alone (I live with my parents now, but moving out next month). The bittersweet loneliness… That was me. That was MY LIFE.

I’m taking it back. I’m going to be the good old me again. I’m taking control, as soon as I move. I’m not going to give a shit about shit. I’m not going to try to be someone I’m not. And I’m not going to dress up or act like a lady to please anyone. I’m going to dress for success. I’ll be classy for the advancement of my career. I’ll work hard and play hard, the way it should have been when I was in college. I’ll become a social butterfly. I’m taking back everything I’ve missed in life.

Live it up. Heal yourself. Succeed.

Waiting

The way he makes me feel is wonderful and horrible at the same time. It’s like my heart drops every time I see his text messages. I’d scramble to my phone every time, and reply to him immediately. Then, I’d wait. If I’m lucky, he’d reply back to me within 5 minutes. Otherwise, I’d wait, wait, wait for him till the end of day with no reply.

He told me he’s not going anywhere. He’s still with me. But I know things have changed, and I fear that this would be the beginning of the end. I still love him, but I don’t know if he still feels the same way for me. Maybe he still loves me, but his feelings have been declining after our fight. He is not texting me as often as he did before (which was not already not often). I am scared. I am scared of losing him for real. I don’t know what I could do to make things better. I swallowed my pride and begged him for forgiveness, and I cannot see what else could be done.

But like they said, “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours; If they don’t, they never were.” I realized that it’s really hard for me to let him go because somehow I have a feeling he’ll never come back. But I can’t force anyone to stay with me either.

I’ve made a mistake, and I’ve been suffering from it….a lot. Maybe it’s too much already. I payed the price. It’s time to move on: I can’t punish myself forever. Just need to be brave and face what will happen. Whether he stays or leaves is his decision. There is nothing I can do about it anymore. I am trying to be a better girlfriend, but I can’t turn back time. What was done cannot be undone. No matter what I do, I can’t erase the past. Punishing myself is not going to change what happened. So, why am I doing this to myself? It’s not good for anyone. If his heart is set on leaving, he’ll leave no matter what. But if he stays, then he probably loves me…

(Real) Heart Break

I regret doubting him. I know now that there weren’t anything to be worried about… But now there is.

You know how I said fairy tales won’t happen to me? Well, it just did, and I blew it. I didn’t know at the time. I just got back on Wellbutrin, and started experiencing side effects last week. I also happened to be on my period. I was so crazy, and such a bitch.Not just for a day, but continuously for a week. He probably eventually had enough. I am so mad at myself for not being able to at the very least pull myself away from him. If you can’t control yourself, then just don’t interact with him. What the heck is wrong with you?

I guess I’ve felt  all alone for so long. I can’t even remember what it was like to not have this emptiness in my heart. I just thought it was part of me, something I’ll always have to live with for the rest of my life. This has caused me a lot of pain, and I yearned for someone to love. Turns out no one ever showed up. I knew the only way to not feel the pain is to be numb. To be cold. I became cynical, mostly from my depression. But I was a sour, mean old maid. Until he came into my life, and made all the difference.

But it was short-lived. I couldn’t hide myself, and my insanity. I guess I’m doomed to stay an old maid. I regret not appreciating him as much as I should when he was around. I regret hurting his feelings, and I will forever be jealous of the girl who got him.

The very thought of running into him and someone else is unbearable. I guess I deserved this torment.

I will love no other. He is the best. And if I can’t keep him, I won’t be able to keep anyone else.

With my parents on a vacation, I walked around this big house by myself, with my cat in my arms. So, this is how I’ll end up. Alone. When that time comes, the beautiful house and the money in my bank won’t be able to give me happiness. I’ll wander this house alone. I’ll probably hire maids to keep my house, but my only companions would be the dogs and cat I adopt.

I don’t even make sense in this post, do I? I haven’t slept or eaten much lately, probably from the med and the heart break. My aunt came by today, and I didn’t even bother try to look happy. I just didn’t have the energy. I slouched the whole time. I didn’t talk much and moved slowly. I thought it was obvious I’m not right. But they probably don’t even notice.

This is probably for the best. He deserves so much better. Even if I could pull myself away from him, I won’t be able to hide who I am for ever. I knew it. I knew I’d die an old maid.

On the bright side, it was a great once-in-a-lifetime experience. I remember everything from the very first time we met, our first kiss, our romantic vacation to Europe, skyping with him and how great it felt that someone was there for me. I eventually didn’t feel so alone. I understand now why people want to be in love. I know what it’s like to want to start a family with someone now. I used to think it was foolish. But I know now that it’s not.

This sucks really badly. But I hope I’d get over it some day. I don’t know if I’ll be even more mean and cynical. I don’t know if I’ll ever forget him. Probably not. But hopefully the love and pain will go away someday. It’ll take time. I’ll suffer for a while. I don’t know how long a while would be, a month, six months, a year, ten years or until the day I die. I’ll just have to live with it.

False Hope

The danger of loving is the risk of disappointment, a.k.a. heart break. Never had I expected myself to really love someone romantically. I made a promise to myself that it won’t happen, that I will take care of myself, and make sure I never get hurt from something so preventable. Yet I failed. I’m just too insecure to be in a relationship. Why did he chose me? Because of the limited choice? One day, he’ll move away from that damn town, and have the chance to meet with plenty of women. Beautiful, young, educated, pleasant women… He said so himself he likes younger women. Do you think you even stand a chance? Why would anyone endure you? You’re old. You’re a grouchy old maid. My time of hoping for a fairy tale happily ever after is long gone. No one liked you when you were young, thin, innocent and optimistic. Why would anyone want to be with you now? I’ve gained 20 pounds. I’m  cynical and very bad tempered. Even my sense of humor is sarcastic. I have gone through a lot of shit to come out the other side so different from the naive young girl I once was. And above all, I’m sick. Physical sickness wouldn’t have been detrimental to a relationship. But mental? Who knows when you’re going to go nuts again? Sure, you’re trying to prevent it. But there’s just no guarantee you’ll never go into one of those crazy episodes again.

Do you seriously think anyone can accept all this shit and truly love me? I believed him when he told me he loved me… But for how much longer? How much longer until he had enough? Until he realizes what he is dealing with?

Oh, Kat, you are so delusional. Yet you still have a false hope of this ever working out despite all the facts. Keep trying and good luck.

Ten years from now, he’ll probably marry someone else. How about me? Like I said in the previous post. I will never love another. If this doesn’t work out, I’m done. I’d only laugh in my own crying face saying, “I told you so”.

P.S. I’m on my first day of my period… Perhaps I’m already acting crazy?

Heart Break

Reading my previous post did not help me with my situation now at all. Let me give you some updates on what happened since April:

1. I did not get a job and had to move back home. What does this mean? My dreams of living and making it in San Francisco is gone. Forever.

2. I moved home, and now am living with my parents. Needless to say how this is deteriorating me. I am feeling worse and becoming a worse person every day. I need out.

3. Several weeks ago (already at home) I became in love with the guy of concern from last entry. Somehow everything was okay again. My dream was to be with him and start a family. All the pain of disappointment was gone. I was afraid it wouldn’t last. I was right.

I became weak. I let him touch my heart, and unknowingly injured it. I stepped out of my shell. It was not a wise decision, but it happened. I took a risk. I was aware I’d get hurt. I am sad to say that I was right. I have always been…

Strangely, though, I am not sorry for what I’ve done. It was destined to happen at some point. But I am upset that I am not determined to get over him. We are going on a vacation together for 20 days next month. Maybe I should just let things be until after that. It’d be so sad for me to break up with him. He is a wonderful person, and if he’s not the one, no one is.

No one is. I am supposed to make it alone. I am so sorry, sweetheart. I can’t do this any more. I’m too scared, and am done being fragile. I love you, but I cannot say I always will be. The whole point is to get over you. To not feel this way. To be cold and strong, and just get by this life. I am sick. I need to take care of myself first. I will never love another. If I can get through this, my heart will be numb enough to get by. Enough to not get hurt again and survive.

New Love

I wondered if he could be the one to challenge what I’ve always insisted on. I was hoping that he would eventually make me want to start a family. I was wishing and dreaming of believing in true love.

But then I woke up, strangely, after my decision to get off Celexa. (Don’t worry, I’m doing it slowly as my doctor suggested.) I realized I’d have to learn to rely on myself much more than I was. I tried to gather myself, be in the present, and not day dream as much. Despite still fantasizing about him a lot, I am starting to see things clearly: He’s just flirting with me. That’s it. There is no sincerity whatsoever. It’s just a game. I still have the urge to flirt with him, and I still do it at times. But I need to remind myself that it’s not serious.

If someone really cares about you, he’d be there when you need him. This is not the case for this person. It’s not like he doesn’t know about it. He has seen me having minor breakdowns before, and would talk to me very briefly and hurry off. I understand he is very busy, but he has spent a good amount of time being around me when I was pleasant.

What am I expecting, though? A fairy tale? The only person who could help me, fix me, be my hero is me. It is foolish I’ve ever thought he could help. Heart break is just not worth the risk. I will spend the rest of my life healing myself. Because of the condition I have, I will never be able to live like “normal” people. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It just means that my form of happiness and the pursuit are different.

I need to not be shaken by the people around me and my own instincts. I need to use logic. I just need to believe in myself.

Bad Data

When I was in graduate school, I did a set of experiments where I get replicates by repeating the same tests over. I was supposed to keep my samples at 24.5 C on the shaker for 24 hours and sample at time 0, 8 and 24 hours.

The first set of tests went perfectly as planned. The second, though, not exactly. I forgot to put my samples back on the shaker after I took them out at 8 hours for readings. In the last run, I realized after I made my samples that the shaker was occupied. So, the samples were out at the lab bench for the whole 24 hours.

I hoped that the difference between room temperature and 24.5 C, and having the samples stationary versus shaking won’t make much of a difference. I did stats on my 3 runs to see whether the runs were different. I must admit that I was sloppy, and when it appeared that the runs were not different, I did not look closer at the data. I went ahead and used them as triplicates.

Little did I know that I’d waste many hours of work because of this carelessness. Many of my plots did not make sense. My advisor and I were perplexed by how much the measurements scattered. He eventually told me to go back to my lab notebook and see whether the three runs were in exact same conditions. I did, and I remembered what I forgot: my work was flawed.

I eventually had to leave out all of my measurements from the third run, and the 24-hours measurements for the first and second runs. My test was then an 8-hours study with duplicates, instead of 24-hours with triplicates. After I did that, everything made sense. Then, it was time to face my advisor what happened.

I was very lucky to have a great advisor. I could not imagine anyone to be as forgiving; I was not even that nice to myself. I realized that I had depression during graduate school, and eventually had to tell my advisor about it because my poor performance. He ended up being more supportive than I was to myself.

He did point out, though, how much of a waste of time it was. And how stupid it has been for me to try to use those data, knowing that the conditions were not the same.

That was probably not the first time I did something like that. I had always have the habit of trying to BS “a little” in hope of achieving something better than what I have for sure in my hands. In general, it is hard to conclude whether I’m suffering because of my negligence.  In experiments, I have records of everything. But in real life where not everything is documented, how could I remember when I screwed up?

The solution is probably to be careful all the time. Don’t think that a little BS here and there, or “just this one time” is okay. I ended up having to redo a lot of my work, when my advisor said that I should have just stopped after I realized that I screwed up.

In a way, it’s like being an over-achiever, but not all the way. As a result, it became stupid.

I wonder, how many of you have had this kind of experience? And when did you realize it was happening?

Curing people who don’t worship marriage?

I usually don’t feel that weird about not wanting romantic relationships, or ever getting married. But talking to my psychiatrist this week made me wonder if I am considered strange for having this kind of value.

As a Buddhist, I would say no… It’s okay to not lust. I try to not care what others think. But when a psychiatrist give so much attention to this issue, and express openly how he doubts me, I must admit that I am swayed.

It all comes down to values. Many think having a family and children is the ultimate goal of life. But I don’t. I know that there is a lot of suffering afterwards, and even the best case scenario has to come to an end.

There’s no such thing as happily ever after. At the very least, one day someone would have to die. And the more you love him/her, the more you are going to get hurt. But that moment is not the only pain in relationships. That kind of relationships only makes life more complicated. I try to be simple, and have a simple life.

But many people cannot imagine anyone not craving for intimate relationships. In their minds, we are just deniers. It is probably true from time to time. But I see that kind of desire as only part of our instincts. I know better. I know that a solitary life is much more gratifying.

I am not liking the direction of my therapy. It seems like they are pushing for me to “realize” that not wanting a sexual partner is unhealthy. They cannot accept that this is my value, and I have reasons for striving for an easy life. They are not even accepting religious explanations. If therapy means changing my value to worshiping romantic love and the desire to have children, I’m out. It’s not going to work. EVER. I know it in my heart what my life should be about, and this will only cause me irritation.

No, no, no. Stop letting them influence me in such a way. Yeah, they are mental health professionals. But it doesn’t mean that they truly understand the workings of the mind, and the meaning of life. They, too, are influenced by whatever religion they have. Maybe in many cases, people who think like me do have overlying problems they are trying to hide. But that’s not why I think this way. I’ve listened to dhamma, meditate,gave a lot of thoughts and saw things for myself. I came to realize what is the path I want to take. It took time, and I studied this thoroughly. It’s not like I jump to conclusions irrationally. Plus, I’ve had these kinds of thoughts since I could remember.So, it definitely did not spring from heartbreaks.

What do you think? Is it possible for one to truly desire an easy, solitary life?