I wondered if he could be the one to challenge what I’ve always insisted on. I was hoping that he would eventually make me want to start a family. I was wishing and dreaming of believing in true love.
But then I woke up, strangely, after my decision to get off Celexa. (Don’t worry, I’m doing it slowly as my doctor suggested.) I realized I’d have to learn to rely on myself much more than I was. I tried to gather myself, be in the present, and not day dream as much. Despite still fantasizing about him a lot, I am starting to see things clearly: He’s just flirting with me. That’s it. There is no sincerity whatsoever. It’s just a game. I still have the urge to flirt with him, and I still do it at times. But I need to remind myself that it’s not serious.
If someone really cares about you, he’d be there when you need him. This is not the case for this person. It’s not like he doesn’t know about it. He has seen me having minor breakdowns before, and would talk to me very briefly and hurry off. I understand he is very busy, but he has spent a good amount of time being around me when I was pleasant.
What am I expecting, though? A fairy tale? The only person who could help me, fix me, be my hero is me. It is foolish I’ve ever thought he could help. Heart break is just not worth the risk. I will spend the rest of my life healing myself. Because of the condition I have, I will never be able to live like “normal” people. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It just means that my form of happiness and the pursuit are different.
I need to not be shaken by the people around me and my own instincts. I need to use logic. I just need to believe in myself.
Happy Old Maid 