Someone once said that dating you ex is like watching an old movie all over again: it would always end the same way. Sometimes I feel like that with him, and we’re still not dating. The problem is me. I’m the one always picking up fight. But what makes me feel worse is knowing that fact.
I know I’m not perfect. But he makes me feel like I’m not good enough for him. I’m always doing the wrong thing: he has always have to tolerate me. Whatever I felt like I had to tolerate him is just nonsense. It’s just in my head. He’s perfect. There is nothing he could or would change. He’s tired of me being stupid. Sometimes a girl just wants someone who is willing to adapt and make amends rather than someone perfect.
For me? Well, I’ll never settle for someone less than him. And he’s probably the best I’d ever get. It is possibly the nature of people like him to act the way he did. The very thing that troubles me is the reason why he is the way he is, the reason why I love him. It’s either I tolerate … wait, can’t use that word. It’s either I accept that and stop being stupid or end up alone. I love him, and love is enough for me to live with whatever bothers me about him. The question is, can he tolerate me?
Looks like I am really getting on his nerves. Looks like he’s leaving me again 😦 It would hurt so much if he does. I can’t imagine how I’ll get through it. But I shall not beg him to stay any more. This time what is left for me, if he even stays, would be pity. It would never work out. I’ll never have another, because the scar he’ll leave me will be deep enough to last a life time. And don’t forget that I am sick. I vowed to spend the rest of my life healing myself. Live for me. I have strayed, and instead hurt myself. Never again will I open my heart to wounds. What is done is done. I have loved this person, and forcing myself to stop loving him would be painful as well as impossible. I won’t do it unless I know for sure he has no feelings for me, no matter how hard I convince myself. I might as well just let it be.
But if things don’t work out, let’s just think it’s for the best. I was never meant to be with another. It is still weird I yearn for someone the way I do now. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost the sense of self. The “I don’t give a shit” mentality, and the fun of it. The way I interact with others only as much as I find them tolerable, and fade away as I please. The way I live alone (I live with my parents now, but moving out next month). The bittersweet loneliness… That was me. That was MY LIFE.
I’m taking it back. I’m going to be the good old me again. I’m taking control, as soon as I move. I’m not going to give a shit about shit. I’m not going to try to be someone I’m not. And I’m not going to dress up or act like a lady to please anyone. I’m going to dress for success. I’ll be classy for the advancement of my career. I’ll work hard and play hard, the way it should have been when I was in college. I’ll become a social butterfly. I’m taking back everything I’ve missed in life.
Live it up. Heal yourself. Succeed.
Happy Old Maid 