Reading my previous post did not help me with my situation now at all. Let me give you some updates on what happened since April:
1. I did not get a job and had to move back home. What does this mean? My dreams of living and making it in San Francisco is gone. Forever.
2. I moved home, and now am living with my parents. Needless to say how this is deteriorating me. I am feeling worse and becoming a worse person every day. I need out.
3. Several weeks ago (already at home) I became in love with the guy of concern from last entry. Somehow everything was okay again. My dream was to be with him and start a family. All the pain of disappointment was gone. I was afraid it wouldn’t last. I was right.
I became weak. I let him touch my heart, and unknowingly injured it. I stepped out of my shell. It was not a wise decision, but it happened. I took a risk. I was aware I’d get hurt. I am sad to say that I was right. I have always been…
Strangely, though, I am not sorry for what I’ve done. It was destined to happen at some point. But I am upset that I am not determined to get over him. We are going on a vacation together for 20 days next month. Maybe I should just let things be until after that. It’d be so sad for me to break up with him. He is a wonderful person, and if he’s not the one, no one is.
No one is. I am supposed to make it alone. I am so sorry, sweetheart. I can’t do this any more. I’m too scared, and am done being fragile. I love you, but I cannot say I always will be. The whole point is to get over you. To not feel this way. To be cold and strong, and just get by this life. I am sick. I need to take care of myself first. I will never love another. If I can get through this, my heart will be numb enough to get by. Enough to not get hurt again and survive.
Happy Old Maid 